What a leading question. One that has been going over and over in my mind over the past month or so. Along with the unpacking and setting up our home, starting another home- school year, I’ve been struggling with that question. I used to think I could answer that quickly and in the affirmative and now I have to give it a little more thought.

What is ‘It’, in the above title? ‘It’ encompasses the last almost 23 years of my life. One of the biggest reasons I always felt that I was here in this life, my job to do. ‘It’ is my marriage and family.

I have the unique situation that many families share of having children old enough to be on their own and a last child barely out of diapers. I have struggled with this since the moment I knew I was pregnant again with our now three year old. Before I was married I always thought I would have a couple children, live in suburbia, be on the PTA and attend all the children’s games. They would then go to college, I would go back to work or school and they would find perfect mates and I would be a wonderful grandmother. Of course during all of that I would have a perfect marriage to the man of my dreams and he would have a successful career and we would go away on terrific vacations until he retired and then we would travel together to exotic places.

WHAT?!  I just shook myself awake…AGAIN!

My life has traveled on with me as a willing rider, most of the time. I’ve generally been pretty content with my life as a whole. Yes, there have been bumps and detours along the way, but we have weathered them.

Then, our oldest went away to college while our youngest was still in diapers. That is obviously NOT the way my dream had gone. I was supposed to have been planning my new career or at least enrolling in college courses. Then our oldest graduated and the second oldest went away to college and the oldest moved back in again, but as an ADULT!

Now, the youngest is out of diapers, but I have two more children older than her needing home-schooling, guidance, training and teaching. Am I up for that task? Most days I don’t feel like it anymore. Because now I know the outcome of those younger years with your children. Not everything goes as you expect. Our two oldest are wonderful young adults and they have made better decisions for their lives than what I did at their ages…but my mind keeps telling me I’m through and the physical reality of my life is that I am not. Far from it as a matter of fact.

Yes, I am thankful for my children, all five of them. God has a certain plan for my life and our lives in this. But, we all go through slumps in our lives when we wonder if we are up for the challenge. This is one of those times for me. Yes, I have another chance to do even better this time with our three youngest. Hopefully correct some of the mistakes I made with the two oldest. And I’m sure make a whole new set of mistakes.

So, please pray for me as I travel over this speed bump. I feel as though I am caught between two worlds at times. The world of a young mother…full of expectations for her child’s future and the world of an older mother…looking back on twenty years with her child. It is a confusing time for me trying to re-evaluate my life. Trying to be everything for everyone and not having enough time in the day to do it all.

But, this too shall pass and tomorrow will be another day. It has helped to blog about this and try to get some of my thoughts out of my head and onto the screen. Do I sound selfish? I pray not. I want to do what is correct and I want to feel the joy that I have had most of my married life. If any of you have experienced this or have any words of advice, I would greatly appreciate them.

Until next time…